I was too unnecessarily intense.
Rather than trying to find someone I can learn from. It’s more important for me to be my own ideal type first. Everything will be fixed if I start from myself first to be conpletely honest. What I look for in others, I need it in myself first.
I need to go straight with my heart.
If there was anything I learnt from P and E the most, it would be too adapt to social situations. Often, I understand what’s happening but I don’t necessarily attempt to control or influence a social situation. They made me learn it.
“Some people are paranoid and see manipulation where there is none because they unconsciously fear intimacy, etc” — This I should learn from.
P gave me a huge wake up call. It pulls me out of anxiety and put things into perspective. It makes me more anchored and mature.
It makes me want to be more disciplined and meets heaps of people.
No, I will not let you win with your statements on me. I will do better than you. Because I can do better than you.
Thanks for passing me the brick to look at first.
I feel so paralysed today. I thought I was okay this morning. I’m scared of intimacy because I’m scared of abandonment. Being abandoned by those I’ve developed trust with hurts me a lot. It took time and opening up on two sides for me to trust and then I get left behind. As much as I want to think that it’s not a part of me and it’s irrational, I feel so insecure because of it. A part of me feels ashamed that I even feel hurt. I feel so hurt, so genuine, so hurt. So this is me? I always feel more genuine after I cry. It’s like I relieve all these hidden emotions of me. I’m not crying right now, I just want to. I’m just really hurt and realising it makes me feel all sorts of vulnerability and honesty.
Well isn’t this a process? I was confronting and angry this morning. Now I’m confronting and hurt. Then later I’ll come to terms with it. Today. I’ll resolve it today. Maybe I should take a break today. I’m so fucking in pain. Go to a park and read? I’m so in pain.
Honesty matters to me.
To love and to create love are my life goals.
Because this is happiness to me. Love and honesty.
To be honest, yes, I did have feelings for P. It just felt comfortable to talk to him.